Another boost to hybrid car use in America springs from - of all places - Aspen, where the police force plans to reduce their carbon footprint and overall fuel expenditures by replacing their Volvo SUVs with Toyota Highlanders. The switch, by current estimates, “will increase fuel efficiency and decrease carbon emissions in the city by 20 tons annually.” This couldn’t have come at a better time for the affluent Colorado town, whose other main branch of local law enforcement could certainly use the help.

So a lot of ethanol source ideas are being thrown around these days, and while we’re happy with where current research is headed, the current dialogue boils down to corn v. switchgrass with very little deviation. Are there possibilities that we’re overlooking? Here are five suggestions we haven’t heard much about, along with some thoughts as to why.

Chocolate
Projected benefits: Aside from the basic idea sounding awesome, there’s tons of sugar in chocolate that can be converted into ethanol. Plus, chocolate smells way better than gas and the fumes aren’t nearly as bad for you.
Why it’s not happening: R&D is steering away from dual-use fuel sources like corn and sugar, and byproducts thereof. And that’s not considering the effect of menopausal women or World of Warcraft players on market prices and general availability.

Semen
Projected benefits: It’s plentiful, and the extraction process is really fun. And the water in semen can probably be put to good use through electrolysis.
Why it isn’t happening: No one is comfortable with the adult entertainment industry seizing this as a marketing tool. Besides, any halfway-serious endorsement of this idea would get you murdered in your sleep by Pat Robertson.

Pot
Projected benefits: It has 4 times the cellulose value of corn, and it can be grown anywhere by pretty much anyone. If some crazed ex-hippie whose brain is pretty much a shapeless clump of malted hops and bong resin can grow it on the side of a mountain, it shouldn’t be too hard for career farmers in Iowa to integrate into their crop rotation.
Why it isn’t happening: You know that crazed ex-hippie we just talked about? Well multiply him by several thousand. That’s the marijuana legalization movement; an unreliable coalition of college kids and glassy-eyed heshers who can’t package their brilliant ideas in a way that appeals to anyone. They’re like NRA members, only less motivated.

Urine
Projected benefits: It’s sterile, easy to come by, and the extraction process is simple, if lacking the thrills of semen extraction. Plus, it’s already been shown that we can power batteries with the ions found in urine, and apparently BMWs use it to lower greenhouse gas emissions.
Why it isn’t happening: Gas stations are unpleasant enough, ya know?

Hydrogen
Projected Benefits: Hydrogen fuel cells are more efficient than internal combustion engines and don’t produce harmful emissions.
Why it isn’t happening: We’re still putting more energy into fuel cell production than we’re getting from the results. Also, certain faults of hydrogen, relevant to the topic or not, are still very much alive in the public consciousness.

And, we’re spent! Readers, feel free to suggest things we’ve missed.

Looks like hybrid cars are making progress globally; Toyota recently announced plans for “a $192 million plant in Japan to produce batteries for gas-electric hybrid vehicles.” In addition, there are rumors that they’ll be developing lithium-ion batteries for automotive use by 2010. Lithium-ion batteries, which might be powering your laptop right now, “produce more power and are smaller than nickel-metal hydride batteries.” You can also charge them with household electrical outlets, which means it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be able to do this.

But one almost expects that from a country that builds robots capable of conducting symphonies. A less likely spot for this kind of alt-fuel progress is Ireland. And yet, Sustainable Energy Ireland is urging the Emerald Isle to switch over to hybrids, saying the effect would be akin to “taking 100,000 cars off the road and bring down CO2 levels by 0.35 million tons a year.” Looks like they’re taking the NYC approach, converting public transport/fleet vehicles first to get people used to the idea. It’ll work well for them, we think; not only are oil prices rising, but Ireland’s only homegrown method of finding oil - drilling under leprechaun burrows - won’t work now that leprechauns have been hunted close to extinction by rambunctious German tourists.

In any case, this is good news for anyone invested, financially or ideologically, in a solution to the fuel crisis. Let’s hope America can rise to meet these international efforts, but our burdens will be lessened come 2009 when we won’t be dipping into our oil reserves to power Dick Cheney.

5/30/08 UPDATE: Sanyo and Volkswagen announced plans to jointly develop a lithium-ion car battery.

Add beer to the list of inedible organic refuse that could possibly answer the “food or fuel” anti-ethanol complaint. Well, waste beer, anyway. Molson Coors is donating ethanol made from the stuff to power every flex-fuel vehicle at the Democratic National Convention. It’s hardly a new business practice, either; the linked article states that, “since 1996, Coors has been recycling waste beer, which the company says is beer lost during packaging or deemed below quality standards, and converting it to alcohol automotive fuel.” It also helps them purge 70 tons of noxious crap from their air emissions, so the effect lies well within their own corporate self-interest.

We believe that hats (and, if available, novelty beer helmets) should be tipped to Coors for promoting ethanol on a national stage like this, and we hope that they continue their efforts. Plus, since Lord knows their beer’s no good for actually drinking, it’s good that they’ve found another use for it.

A bus company in Sweden was trying to do the right thing and advertise its use of biofuels, but their ad has been denounced by critics as potentially harmful to children, who ideally shouldn’t be drinking from gas pumps (click the link to see what we mean). Adfreak’s write-up pretty much says it all, and adds an additional point we hadn’t noticed before. We won’t get too explicit about it, but it’s worth noting that this ad would be just as widely criticized in the States, but for a totally different reason.

As we mentioned in our previous post, the ethanol industry has picked up a little steam recently (which is odd, because we weren’t sure if burning ethanol produced steam). In any case, with oil prices skyrocketing and alternative fuel sources becoming less of a dope-smoking treehugger pipe dream and more of an actual necessity, some people might consider adding biofuels to their stock portfolio. Given the recent tendencies of the market to swing from “we’re all rich!” to “we’re all screwed!” at a moment’s notice, this would be a risky course of action no matter where your financial interests lie. But if they’re in ethanol, here’s a list of related stocks to get you started.

MGP Ingredients (MGPI) is based in Kansas and produces alcohol for fueling, distilling, and drinking. An ideal stock for the man who pines for a day when choices at the pump include regular, unleaded, and Michelob.

Green Plains Renewable Energy (GPRE) has ties to both Las Vegas and Shenandoah, Iowa, possibly the two most culturally unalike places in the world. They plan to develop an ethanol production facility in Iowa, which is a much better location than Vegas; nickel slots and Wayne Newton performances would only lower productivity.

Earth Biofuels Inc (EBOF.OB) is best known for marketing “BioWillie,” Willie Nelson’s brand name biodiesel, but what else do they need? Would anyone question the Red-headed Stranger’s financial acumen?

Archer-Daniels-Midland Company (ADM) is an agricultural industry giant that makes fuels and industrials for pretty much every imaginable purpose, examples being construction, paints and inks, mining and drilling, packaging, plastics, and biodiesel/ethanol. They don’t come right out and include “world domination,” but we’re assuming that’s just out of courtesy.

Australian Ethanol Limited (ASTUF.PK) plans to build ethanol plants in Australia. Pretty straightforward, really. Investors should note that we’ve all seen what will happen should the Aussies run out of gasoline, so fitting them with a back up plan is a good idea. Otherwise, they’ll regress into a nightmarish dystopia whose only hope is Mel Gibson. As human beings, we can’t allow that.

Pacific Ethanol (PEIX) is a fairly new company, having only gone public 3 years ago, but they’re already working on cellulose-based ethanol production and peppering the American West with processing plants. Its stock prices have perked up recently, too. Given their ambitious goals and overall feistiness, we’re pretty sure who their controlling shareholder is.

So there you have it. Feel free to do your own research (this site and this other site are good places to start) and invest away! Soon you too will join the millions of Wall Street-savvy Americans wondering aloud why their stocks are being outperformed by WWE, a company built on generations of skeezy carnival hucksterism and currently run by a psychotic billionaire whose numerous frightening obsessions include bodybuilding, his daughter, and his own butt.

With things like the Food Before Fuel campaign spurring talk about ethanol’s role in driving up food prices, and a bill facing Congress that could freeze the ethanol mandate, it’s important to note that progress is still being made towards a more efficient, less expensive ethanol production system. Specifically, DuPont and Genencor are combining their efforts to (they hope) simplify the production process.

The full story (nipped from Green Car Congress) is here; interestingly, this $140 million venture “will initially target corn stover and sugar cane bagasse,” the two main sources for ethanol fuel, but will grow to include “multiple ligno-cellulosic feedstocks including wheat straw, a variety of energy crops and other biomass sources.” This could be a response to research suggesting that switchgrass produces more usable ethanol fuel than corn does. And widening the source pool might help keep food costs down in the future, specifically by easing the burden on corn and sugar, so this could be a net gain for alternative fuels.

It’s also important to note that, like every other industry in the face of mounting criticism, ethanol is rallying. Funny how that works.

5/22/08 edit: The Wall Street Journal would have a huge bone to pick with that ending sentence.