McCain’s Ethanolternatives

So now that Corn Car readers know how John McCain feels about non-Brazilian ethanol, what does he propose we do instead to decrease our reliance on foreign oil/oil in general? Aside from taking up a collection for the electric car, we weren’t really sure. So we did a little research and composed this overview, in our usual highly objective format, of McCain’s energy plan, aka McCain’s Ethanolternatives:

1. Offshore drilling - According to McCain, there are “21 billion barrels of proven oil reserves” that are sitting untapped, thanks to the 1981 ban on offshore exploration. According to him, “it’s safe enough these days that not even Hurricanes Katrina and Rita could cause significant spillage from the battered rigs,” adding that “it is time to lift these restrictions and to put our own reserves to use.”

Of course, we wouldn’t see any oil from those reserves for at least 10 years, so we don’t really know how much, if anything, we would save from their inclusion a decade from now. Plus, oil companies are already sitting on unexplored, leased land, and we think it’s safe to say that the cure for America’s crippling oil dependence isn’t oil. Christ, even other offshore drilling supporters think we should ramp up our ethanol production. But luckily, McCain has other ideas, such as…

2. Nuclear power - If there’s one thing that McCain loves more than talking about Vietnam, it’s nuclear power. He’s said that “the experience of nations across Europe and Asia has shown that nuclear energy is efficient. It is safe, it is proven, and it is essential to America’s energy future.” And we agree that tightly regulated, well-overseen nuclear power facilities contribute much to the countries they serve, but given the tone of McCain’s pro-business rhetoric, the invisible hand of the free market will probably end up with several extra fingers; until the government proves that it’s learned from what happened when Enron and other private energy companies were allowed to police themselves, we’re not comfortable pushing them ahead of other alternative energy sources.

There’s also the question of where to store the waste; according to McCain, Arizona is not an option.

3. Coal - McCain has obviously never seen coal beyond a barbecue pit, because he has a serious jones for the stuff, claiming that clean coal will dramatically reduce greenhouse gas emissions. We can understand this to a certain extent, because states like West Virginia depend on coal mining, and McCain wants those people to vote against their own interests for him. But clean coal is an expensive technology still mired in development, which are two of his complaints about ethanol, and regular coal is simply disgusting. He’ll have to do better than this as a serious solution to our energy woes. Clearly, he’s considering…

4. Magic - It’s an inexhaustible resource that only a small number of gifted people can channel and distribute, which limits the impact that growing nations like India and China would have on its availability. And it’s also pretty much the only feasible way to fund any plank in McCain’s energy platform, unless one of our readers can suggest how to build dozens of fully operational nuclear plants in enough time to supplement current energy usage, or drill off the coast of California without damaging the shoreline and local ecosystem. Seriously, comment if you have any ideas.

So there you have it! Oh, and since McCain is so fond of bringing up his record, here it is. Have fun taking him seriously after reading through it.