Appealing to the automakers

FINALLY.

As our faithful readers all know, Corn Car is concerned that talk of hybrid and alt.-fueled cars can get bogged down in retarded semantics about how impractical, ugly, expensive, and otherwise untenable they are when compared to regular cars. Now, we’ve already shared some ideas about how to appeal to consumers, but what about the auto industry? They’re the ones making the things, after all, and right now they’re stonewalling; they claim economic woes, but they’ve been achingly slow to progress beyond standard engines anyway. How do you reach people who both hate and fear change? Here are some ideas:

1. Require that some of their bailout money be spent on alt. fuels research. Auto manufacturers have been working the treasury like a slot machine for a while now. So have many troubled industries, of course, but they haven’t been as stupidly run as Detroit for the past couple of decades. Instead of just giving the auto industry money to continue making the same poor decisions and short-sighted mistakes it’s been making, which includes stalling on hybrid/electric car development, hang some conditions on those bailouts. They’re no strangers to extortion, so use it against them (in a purely legislative sense of course) to start building better cars that make use of newer technology.

2. Explain that they’ll have to hire people to build these cars. Hybrid vehicles have two motors and a bevy of electronics to power them, and electric cars make use of special batteries, and these will require a sizable investment, both in money and manpower. New people will have to be hired to build these things, in other words, and the employment opportunities created therein would be positive for both the industry’s image and precarious karmic balance. They’ll also need more technicians to design, install, and improve the electronic parts. The nostalgic, Ford plant assembly line imagery of a previous era might be gone for good, but the notion of the auto industry as a steady employer whose presence in the community is a net positive isn’t dead. It just needs an update.

3. Explore the marketing potential. American auto companies are currently lampooned as being outdated, irrelevant, and permanent silver medalists at best behind their Japanese competitors. By seizing new technology and developing it to its fullest potential, automakers can rebrand themselves as cutting-edge innovators with a legitimate hand in bringing the future to consumers. “Hybrid, electric, and flex-fuel cars began with science,” they can say, “but it took our industrial know-how to put them in your driveway.” Pair that with some plaintive acoustic guitar in the background and maybe a couple of happy blond children running through a cornfield and you’ve got yourself an ad. Hey, laugh all you want, it’s no worse than this Ford Edge spot.

4. Explain the bit about hiring new workers again, but with graphs and sock puppets. Auto industry executives, as history has shown, can be alarmingly dense. Thankfully, that’s nothing an informative puppet show can’t solve. Seriously. One of the interns explained the Biot-Savart Law to us over lunch that way. Amazing stuff.

5. Threaten to awaken Dread Cthulhu. We’re not sure what the current diplomatic relationship is between America and R’lyeh, but it’s certainly true that Japan, with Godzilla, Mothra, and Mecha-Godzilla at its disposal, has unleashed unimaginably horrific monstrosities upon itself more than once to spur production and lend additional incentive to its lagging industries. They do it without prior warning, but we, as the leaders of the free world, owe more to our citizenry. Simply letting Detroit know that we can harness the power of Cthulhu should be more than enough to get them back to the ol’ drawing board.

We’ll have more to add at a later date, but feel free to comment with any thoughts you might have. And keep away from Dunwich, just in case we have to resort to #5.