Gasification might sound like something your uncle goes through after too much dairy, but it’s actually an old biofuel technology that scientists are reexamining in the wake of the current fuel crisis. According to a Science Daily press release, gasification “is a process that turns carbon-based feedstocks under high temperature and pressure in an oxygen-controlled atmosphere into synthesis gas, or syngas.” Before the advent of the electric light bulb, gas was squeezed out of coal (and used to power gas fixtures) by gasification, and it was briefly considered as an ethanol extraction process back in the 70s. But the stakes might be even higher today, and there’s an ethanol mandate to meet, which means that whatever extraction/distillation methods we use need to be as streamlined and efficient as possible.

Turning the syngas into ethanol might be a key - Ames Lab chemist and Chemical and Biological Science Program Director Victor Lin was quick to point out its merits to Science Daily. “It expands the kinds of materials that can be converted into fuels,” Lin said, adding that such materials include “the waste product from the distilling process or any number of other sources of biomass, such as switchgrass or wood pulp.” In fact, pretty much any carbon-based material can be converted into syngas. And where there’s syngas, ethanol’s not far behind.

But wait! There’s more good news from Science Daily; “The work of Delft researcher Marko Kuyper…has greatly improved the conversion of certain sugars from agricultural waste to ethanol.”

The long and short of it is that Kuyper added a gene found in elephant poop to the baker’s yeast that combines with sugar to make ethanol. This gene can break down the sugars in the materials left over from a batch of ethanol, which can in turn be processed into more ethanol. This is a big step, and Kuyper deservedly received a Ph.D for his efforts thus far. Expanding his work to the industrial level will help the bio-ethanol process tremendously, and we here at Corn Car officially salute his efforts by presenting him with The Corn Car Suggestive Teddy Bear Award for Scientific Innovation.

We here at Corn Car (well, this writer, anyway) were pretty sure that - since we’ve made it a point to never eat yogurt or mushrooms - the only uses for fungus were giving Super Mario extra lives and providing ledges/springboards for Toejam and Earl. But ethanol has changed that, with the recent discovery that the fungus Rhizopus microsporus removes solids and organic material from the watery gunk left behind by ethanol production. With that detritus removed, said gunk (also known as stillage) can be recycled back into ethanol production, which hadn’t been feasible before.

Iowa State professor Han van Leeuwen, who’s leading the research project that made this discovery, said that “the process could change ethanol production in dry-grind plants so much that energy costs can be reduced by as much as one-third.” Successful application of the fungus would also reduce ethanol plant water usage, add value and nutrients to the livestock feed produced by ethanol plants, and improve the overall energy balance of ethanol production.

As we’ve stated in previous updates on ethanol production, it’s nice to see this kind of frontier ingenuity applied to things that aren’t computers for a change. We just hope that, should Earth ever reach Peak Fungus, we’ll be able to work out a trade agreement with Planet Funkotron.

So a lot of ethanol source ideas are being thrown around these days, and while we’re happy with where current research is headed, the current dialogue boils down to corn v. switchgrass with very little deviation. Are there possibilities that we’re overlooking? Here are five suggestions we haven’t heard much about, along with some thoughts as to why.

Chocolate
Projected benefits: Aside from the basic idea sounding awesome, there’s tons of sugar in chocolate that can be converted into ethanol. Plus, chocolate smells way better than gas and the fumes aren’t nearly as bad for you.
Why it’s not happening: R&D is steering away from dual-use fuel sources like corn and sugar, and byproducts thereof. And that’s not considering the effect of menopausal women or World of Warcraft players on market prices and general availability.

Semen
Projected benefits: It’s plentiful, and the extraction process is really fun. And the water in semen can probably be put to good use through electrolysis.
Why it isn’t happening: No one is comfortable with the adult entertainment industry seizing this as a marketing tool. Besides, any halfway-serious endorsement of this idea would get you murdered in your sleep by Pat Robertson.

Pot
Projected benefits: It has 4 times the cellulose value of corn, and it can be grown anywhere by pretty much anyone. If some crazed ex-hippie whose brain is pretty much a shapeless clump of malted hops and bong resin can grow it on the side of a mountain, it shouldn’t be too hard for career farmers in Iowa to integrate into their crop rotation.
Why it isn’t happening: You know that crazed ex-hippie we just talked about? Well multiply him by several thousand. That’s the marijuana legalization movement; an unreliable coalition of college kids and glassy-eyed heshers who can’t package their brilliant ideas in a way that appeals to anyone. They’re like NRA members, only less motivated.

Urine
Projected benefits: It’s sterile, easy to come by, and the extraction process is simple, if lacking the thrills of semen extraction. Plus, it’s already been shown that we can power batteries with the ions found in urine, and apparently BMWs use it to lower greenhouse gas emissions.
Why it isn’t happening: Gas stations are unpleasant enough, ya know?

Hydrogen
Projected Benefits: Hydrogen fuel cells are more efficient than internal combustion engines and don’t produce harmful emissions.
Why it isn’t happening: We’re still putting more energy into fuel cell production than we’re getting from the results. Also, certain faults of hydrogen, relevant to the topic or not, are still very much alive in the public consciousness.

And, we’re spent! Readers, feel free to suggest things we’ve missed.