So a lot of ethanol source ideas are being thrown around these days, and while we’re happy with where current research is headed, the current dialogue boils down to corn v. switchgrass with very little deviation. Are there possibilities that we’re overlooking? Here are five suggestions we haven’t heard much about, along with some thoughts as to why.

Chocolate
Projected benefits: Aside from the basic idea sounding awesome, there’s tons of sugar in chocolate that can be converted into ethanol. Plus, chocolate smells way better than gas and the fumes aren’t nearly as bad for you.
Why it’s not happening: R&D is steering away from dual-use fuel sources like corn and sugar, and byproducts thereof. And that’s not considering the effect of menopausal women or World of Warcraft players on market prices and general availability.

Semen
Projected benefits: It’s plentiful, and the extraction process is really fun. And the water in semen can probably be put to good use through electrolysis.
Why it isn’t happening: No one is comfortable with the adult entertainment industry seizing this as a marketing tool. Besides, any halfway-serious endorsement of this idea would get you murdered in your sleep by Pat Robertson.

Pot
Projected benefits: It has 4 times the cellulose value of corn, and it can be grown anywhere by pretty much anyone. If some crazed ex-hippie whose brain is pretty much a shapeless clump of malted hops and bong resin can grow it on the side of a mountain, it shouldn’t be too hard for career farmers in Iowa to integrate into their crop rotation.
Why it isn’t happening: You know that crazed ex-hippie we just talked about? Well multiply him by several thousand. That’s the marijuana legalization movement; an unreliable coalition of college kids and glassy-eyed heshers who can’t package their brilliant ideas in a way that appeals to anyone. They’re like NRA members, only less motivated.

Urine
Projected benefits: It’s sterile, easy to come by, and the extraction process is simple, if lacking the thrills of semen extraction. Plus, it’s already been shown that we can power batteries with the ions found in urine, and apparently BMWs use it to lower greenhouse gas emissions.
Why it isn’t happening: Gas stations are unpleasant enough, ya know?

Hydrogen
Projected Benefits: Hydrogen fuel cells are more efficient than internal combustion engines and don’t produce harmful emissions.
Why it isn’t happening: We’re still putting more energy into fuel cell production than we’re getting from the results. Also, certain faults of hydrogen, relevant to the topic or not, are still very much alive in the public consciousness.

And, we’re spent! Readers, feel free to suggest things we’ve missed.

Purdue University engineers have developed a method that uses aluminum alloy to extract hydrogen from water to be used to power fuel cells or combustion engines. This could be a replacement for gasoline. Imagine that, replacing gasoline with water?

 Read all about it here.